This Crazy Thing Called Life

One of the complaints I often hear is that I am contrary, and in many ways I am.

This however is a reflection of my personality, formed over years of life experiences.  I can seem open and closed, talkative and quiet, outgoing and reserved, the list goes on.  I have developed \’coping strategies\’ over the years, and this means I react differently in different situations and how I feel about them, and even from day to day I may react differently in the same situation.

One thing that often confuses is that I have a multitude of ‘faces’ to help me deal with what is happening around me, bizarrely to many I can seem very open and sharing, and yet there is a mental disconnect – what I say does not affect what I am thinking and feeling, this can result in people thinking that they have a connection that simply does not exist.

I am in some respects a “people person” in that I can engage with and socialise with people, and yet I am also a isolationist, happy with my own company.  I need people to inspire and encourage me, left to my own devices I retreat inwards, but I need space to be alone – if I can not do it physically, I do it mentally, I retreat inside my mind.

A good example of this is distant learning.  I started a web-design course a few years ago that was distant learning, and I struggled with it, I felt my tutor was not interested in my questions and not engaged with me.  Ultimately I dropped it.  By contrast, FutureLearn uses a MOOC approach, where tutors and students can interact with each other in a kind of giant virtual classroom – I study when and where I like, but can still chat with other students and ask questions – even at 1am in bed 🙂

My life is a constant, non-stop conversation – if it is not a monologue, it is a dialogue.  Conversations with multiple people regularly take place in my head.  I tell myself stories, I discuss things occurring in my life, I work out problems and issues I predict the future and revisit the past, silence is never there – probably when I am sleeping I am talking to myself.

I have possibly confused psychologist when they ask questions like “do you hear voices in your head?” because the answer is yes, I do.  and they do tell me what to do.  but that is life – people telling me what to do – sometimes I agree, and sometimes I do not.

Am I “crazy”?  possibly, but if I am crazy then it is normal for me to be crazy.  I have no plans (at the moment) to run amok, or take all my clothes off and dance to the rites of spring or build a tower to the moon

An anomaly that is in part a reflection of the way I see the world is that I do not ‘see’ things in the conventional sense, especially people.  I have impressions that form my view – as an example, I can not describe even those people closest to me, their ‘image’ is as much a series of vague intangibles rather than a specific physical attribute.  This makes me terrible at recognising people – I see similarities where others see none, and fail to spot similarities that everyone else can see.  Just don’t ask me to do a identity parade, I would no doubt accuse the Chief Inspector of being the thief that stole my wallet!  I am probably a celebrities dream, I could pass them in the street or be sat next to them in a bar and not even notice.

In short, if you think you know me – you are doing better than anyone else ever has 🙂